On That One Question….

I know, I know.  You only had good intentions.  

You were just trying to make conversation.  

You were curious.  

You meant no harm.  

You’ve heard other people ask.  

You didn’t mean to embarrass or upset me.  

I know because in the past, I’ve done the same thing.  Now that I’m walking this road myself, I will deeply consider the person and context before asking these questions.

What did you ask?  You asked when we were having another child. 

It’s a question that a wide variety of people ask.  Teachers I work with, friends I haven’t seen in a while, cousins, the librarian, random people in public places.  It doesn’t always come in the same format; it may appear in any number of ways:

“When will you give him a brother or sister?”

“He needs a playmate to chase around.”

“When will you have another one?”

“Are you trying again?”

Or my least personal favorite:  “It’s time to have another one already, what are you waiting for?”

Ouch.

I will start off by saying that there are several problems with ALL of these questions but the first one is the assumption that I want another kid.  I will make my intentions clear; I DO indeed want more children.  But there are some couples that don’t.  Some families are perfectly happy and complete as families with one child.  What kind of insinuations are we making about these families when we ask the above loaded questions?  Are their families not complete?  Not good enough?  This line of reasoning alone is enough reason for us to stop hounding people over the number of children they have.

But I will give one more.  Some parents of only children are trying desperately to have more.   People assume because you have one child automatically it should follow that you have no trouble having more children.  As I’m learning, this is simply not the case.  Secondary infertility is a real problem that affects 3 million women in America alone.  The woman you casually ask about having another baby could be in the middle of fertility treatments, recovering from a miscarriage, or going into the second year of trying with no success.  She could be reeling from hearing yet another pregnancy announcement of a friend or colleague who “wasn’t even trying!”  Infertility is an incredibly personal struggle that most women suffer in silence.

So when we get asked these questions, we say things like “Well we’re working on it,” or “We’ll see what happens,” or we might even lie and say “We’re not quite ready yet,”  because we don't want to get into the struggle we're fighting everyday or we don't want to make you uncomfortable with the truth.  We know you're not looking for a real-life answer anyway.

The bottom line is that the structure of someone’s family is an intensely personal issue; whether it’s by choice or not.  It shouldn’t be fodder for small talk.  Just a simple question can be very painful to answer.  

I'm not saying that family and fertility issues shouldn't be talked about; quite the opposite actually.  I think that support and sharing feelings with our close family and friends is key to grappling with this struggle.  I just don't think we should be asking these questions of people in passing or of strangers/people we barely know in the middle of a grocery store.    

So as someone who seems to be getting this one question more and more, please think before you ask. 

And if you really wanna know, we’re working on it and we’ll see what happens.  :\

Dear Little One [7]

Dear MaseMan,

2014 is upon us & it's occurred to me that I haven't written to you or documented our adventures here on the blog in quite some time.  You are 20 months old now.  You.  Are.  A.  Sponge.  You love to imitate people in both action & spoken word.  Right now you love to play with blocks, your train, anything Jake & The Neverland Pirates or Mickey related, read books, and to run your fingers through my hair.  You are obsessed with farm animals, particularly making the "moo" and "neigh" sounds.  You are running, high-steppin', and tackling!!  You navigate an ipad with ease & have your own folder of apps on mommy's ipad mini.  You love to help Daddy "drive" in the truck.  You give sweet kisses before bedtime with your little lips in the perfect pucker.  Mason, you are SO. MUCH. FUN.  I am so looking forward to another year watching you grow, learn, and change.
In a few months, we'll see if you're ready for some big-kid adventures like starting to work on using your big-boy potty and weaning from nursing.  No matter what challenges we face as we finish out your second year & start your third, I know that we'll get through them together.

You are forever my baby boy.  I love you!!

Happy New Year :)

Love,

Mommy


A few of my favorites from this year's holiday fun:

A Decade+ of Address Changes

After moving recently I was thinking about how this was likely the last time I will ever change my address.  This got me reflecting on all of the address changes I've made in the last 10 years of my life....reminisce with me as I remember all the places I've lived in the past decade :o)

One Park Place- '02-'06
I mean, really Elmira?  Who has a cooler address than Elmira College students?!?!  No matter where you live on on campus your address is One Park Place.  I often wondered how much Elmira had to pay for such an illustrious address.  Drive too far in either direction on "Park Place" in Elmira & you'll wonder how the bleep they get away with naming it that.  But, I digress.  My very first address "away from home."  More accurately my addresses would have been Columbia Hall, Towers x 2, & then Lent Cottage.


115 Saint Stephen's Street, #36- '06-'07
A studio apartment I rented in Boston for $1050 a month my first year of graduate school.  My first time living alone (well with Riley).  This apartment was literally one street over from Northeastern, owned by a slumlord, and my weird Indian neighbors cooked at like 3 in the morning so I was often awakened by the smell of curry in the middle of the night.  One of the funny things about this building was the apartment numbers didn't make sense.  My unit number was 36 which would lead most people to think it was on the 3rd floor but it was actually on the 4th floor.  The elevator was terrifying.  There were rats out by the dumpsters and in the basement (and probably throughout the building, eeeeek).  The laundry in the basement cost $2.00 to wash and $2.00 to dry.  But from the outside it was a  classic brownstone building.

602 Centre Street, #2 -'07-'08
A huge, gorgeous house tucked away just behind an auto garage (sounds trashy but was quite lovely) in Jamaica Plain, MA- about a mile "outside" of Boston.  Our apartment was the top two floors of the building.  I had a parking spot!  One of the best things about our year in Jamaica Plain was our landlord Patrick.  He was a kind & constantly smiling irishman who owned the garage "County Cork Auto."  He was super nice & I often enjoyed visiting with him.  This house was SO NICE.  We had a terrace overlooking the main drag in JP.  There was everything we needed within walking distance including a bus stop, T stop, liquor store, bar, ice cream place, pizza place, brunch spot, AND a gorgeous pond with a walking trail.  I really loved living in Jamaica Plain.

5 Fox Hollow Drive, '08-'09
Our first year as 'working women' Amanda & I moved to Rensselaer, NY (just outside of Albany) and in with my sister Amanda while she started her grad school program.  Our apartment was in a development called The Mansions at Technology Park.  We had a swimming pool, clubhouse, pool, garage, and TWO bathrooms.  It was great!

11 Jones Terrace, '09-'13
I moved in with John a month before we got married (scandalous, I know!).  He bought the house in the summer of 2002, making his total years living there 11 and mine just over 4.  We have so many special memories there and if the house were located in a different area, we might have considered staying in it & putting an addition on or something.

Daaaaaaa Burg '13-??
Hopefully, my very last move.  Enjoying our new home so much.  I love living in Narrowsburg.  The house is a ranch style so having everything on one floor is very convenient.  We have a lot of work to do in order to update John's grandparents' house & make it our own, but we are so excited to get to live in a place with family history.

I've been so blessed to live in so many great places.  It's amazing how much can change in a decade.

Dear Little One [6]

Dear Mason,

What a summer we've had together!!  We were together prettttty much non-stop around the clock.  We spent lots of time with family and friends.  We read tons of books, built & knocked down tall towers, watched probably every episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse & Jake and the Neverland Pirates, went to your first zoo, went on lots of walks, and went swimming a few times.  You are moving around SO quickly.  You still can't get up off the ground by yourself quite yet but you'll learn that soon I'm sure.  You are talking a bunch and say about 10 words.  You understand SO much.  You can follow some basic one step directions.  Mason you are growing up so fast.  You look more and more like a big boy everyday & less and less like my baby boy.

It wasn't all sunshine & rainbows though.  We had some major stressors hit our little family these past two months.

LOSS.  Great-Grandpa Rafferty left Earth to go to heaven on July 11th.  You got to visit with him several times in your life which is a blessing.  We miss him everyday but are happy that he is in a better place.

MOLARS.  You, baby boy, have been the unlucky recipient of two molars, one on each side.  I can't imagine how painful those are pushing their way through your tender gums.  I do know that you got a fever for three days as the first one broke through and have had some pretty tough nights lately (partly which I attribute to the move to the new place & the other part teeth).  It seems the pain has come in a few cycles over the past few months.  Nursing is what you seem to prefer most when you're hurting but if it gets really bad then we've broken down & given you some Motrin.

MOVING.  This meant a lot of in the car seat, out of the car seat. A lot of changes, disruptions to our routine, and a whole new place to get used to.  I must say you handled it very well Mase.  We have been trying to figure out where all our stuff is; we've got it everywhere.  We will figure it out.

Tomorrow you are back to spending your weekdays with your babysitter or my parents and Mom & Dad are back to work.  We will look forward to every weekend :)

I love you so, so much little one.
Forever & A Day!!

Mommy

On moving...

We spent the last few weeks moving.  We had a house showing in early July & then the day my grandfather went to heaven, we had an offer (I believe the two events are linked).  By the middle of August we had a signed contract & the down payment in escrow so we decided to make the move before the school year started instead of waiting a month or two into the school year when we will likely close.  We moved over to John's hometown, Narrowsburg & into his grandparents house, right down the road from his parents.  The house is in a great location surrounded by beautiful woods and wildlife.  There's plenty of room for Roxy to run and Mason to play.  More importantly, we are not constantly worried about our house getting broken into or Mason witnessing violence or drug deals like we were on our old street in Woodbourne.  It's much, much quieter here.  It's private.  The home is in great shape.  We went down to 1 bathroom but have the same number of bedrooms & we gained a dining room.  We are all settling in & very excited to begin the next phase of our life here.

So it is with a heavy heart that we say goodbye to our first home.  Before we moved, I decided to make a video for Mason of his first house.  He won't remember living at 11 Jones Terrace but we had so many special memories with him there.

Your First House

Elmira: The Cowles Restoration

What the college did with this building renders its own post.  Now granted; most of the work in this building is purely for aesthetics and doesn't really benefit the students of Elmira.  So yes, they could have spent money on updating the library, improving the dining hall options, expanding academic offerings, etc...and that is definitely how they SHOULD have spent the money.  But hot damn, if this beautiful restoration didn't have me "oooooo"ing and "ahhhhhh"ing.

sitting room with beautiful 19th century furniture 

beautiful woodworking, old college memorabilia, yearbooks, etc
in all the shelving

grand lobby in Cowles

the Chapel...these pictures don't even do it justice

Each stained glass window contains a different EC tradition

Rev. John J Tenbus rockin' the mike

Elmira: The Best Day

We took an adults only day trip to Elmira the day after my birthday with Amanda & George.  It was one of those days where the stars align & everything went as perfect as could be possible.  We left Mase with my sister & headed up to EC arriving around 10:15.  First, we took a walk down to Light's, our favorite dinner/bakery to stretch our legs and pick up our obligatory sugar cookies.  Delicious!  We toured the campus, one building at a time stopping to take pictures and laugh at what ridiculous memories we had.  We stopped to take a few pictures in front of our old on-campus apartment building and much to our surprise, the building was open & all the units were empty with the doors open!!  I walked into my old apartment and my eyes welled up with tears as the memories of my final year at EC washed over me.  How special to get to be there with our husbands!  We were only missing our third roommate, Amanda Grace.  

A new treat was finally getting in to the original Cowles building which is original to the college when it was founded 1855.  After Cowles, we stopped into the Speech & Hearing clinic....which is exactly the same as it was 8 years ago.  We thought we had missed our professor, Phyllis, but we walked out of the building just as she was walking in.  She remembered us immediately and we had a nice chat.  One of the things that makes Elmira so unique & special are the bonds you're able to make with your professors since the classes are so small.  Phyllis was so excited to hear Amanda & George's happy news.  We will have to make another trip in the future with all our kids :)  We then headed to our favorite pizza spot for lunch.  Pietro's was every bit as mouth watering as I remembered it.  The rest of the afternoon we spent off campus shopping & then finally finishing up at our favorite bar/restaurant The Green Derby before heading home.

The path to Cottages

Lent Cottage

Our husbands in our senior year apartment- too fun.

Our old front door

The beloved fountain 

Such a great day!!!  We'll be back again someday :o)